Disillusionment

The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence.

This adage is often over used, but is also frequently apropos. I am struggling with this phenomenon now, as I was when I first applied for this job. Then – Egypt seemed to have so many more opportunities and so many fewer problems than Seattle. Now – the situations are mostly the same, but the perspective is 180 degrees shifted.

I understand human nature, behavior and expectations – and I am governed by them. We all want to move forward, be challenged, enjoy our lives, and yet few of us (myself included) can clearly see what we have now. We look to the future, to something newer, bigger, better and convince ourselves that the new thing is what we need. Change can be invigorating, but it does not fundamentally alter our realities.

When I came to Egypt, I was disillusioned with my job in the States. I felt like I’d “accomplished” the goals and aims that I’d set for myself, and had hit a glass ceiling. I had the feeling that I could go no further, and was going to be “trapped” doing the same things for the rest of my life. I wanted change and adventure and challenge. I got all of those things in coming to Egypt, however the day-to-day reality of work was the same. The adventure and challenges were, fundamentally, no different than in Seattle.

Things I love in Egypt:

• Most of the people that I work with and most of my students
• The invigoration of functioning in two languages – even if I’m not so good in one of them
• The sights/sounds/experiences of metropolitan life
• An ultra-urban living arrangement
• The food – street food and “local” food – Cairo is NOT an epicurean fantasy, but the “real food” is excellent

Things I hate in Egypt:

• The classism, have/have-not divide – felt in EVERY aspect of life and work
• The CHORE of functioning in two languages
• The noise and dirt and crowding of metropolitan life
• An ultra-urban living arrangement

And when I look at the lists, the things I love at times are the very things that I hate. They are also the things that I love/hate about Seattle. No place is perfect. Some days are wonderful. I smile at the traffic, the people in the street (no – LITERALLY in the street), the challenge of making myself understood in Arabic, the thrill of NOT being taken advantage of because I am khawega. Other days (or sometimes the very same day) all of those things are an unbearable burden, and I wonder why I am working so hard to stay here.

I realize that I am neither the first, nor the last ex-pat to feel these things.  I also know that putting them in the blog does not mean that they will go away.  But there you go.